One

obsession might not really be the right word for what i want to say but i can’t think of another word right now.

i remember the last time i was this obsessed with something. i was in school. i was not happy with having to study physics, chemistry, and maths. my coping mechanism was dreaming about a future college where i would not have to put up with all that. i dreamt about a specific college in delhi. i went through the newspaper, the IndiaToday yearly ranking of colleges, blogs, Facebook profiles of students there.

i did all this while not really paying attention to the task at hand: physics, chemistry, and maths. i was never good at these subjects but now that i am older, i am 29, i look back at that time with a tiny tinge of regret. it’s not a huge regret but a decently sized peanut which shows up time and again when i think about school. the thing is this: i could have done better.

and yknow even if the scores were to remain the same, i just could have been a little more chill about things.

it would have made a lot of difference in my performance. i mean if i could do what i could with that much stress and internal drama i went through, who can say what i would have done with a little more self compassion and calmness?

so i did manage to get in in a college a stone’s throw away from the one i wanted to go to. it was a great college and our department was one of the best. i learnt a lot in those three years, both inside the class and outside. i was also figuring out some stuff about myself so it would really be wrong of me to judge myself too harshly about how i handled things back then. i did okay. i was at my overthinking peak during those years. every interaction was prefixed and suffixed by major anxieties about this and that, all based in nothingness. the gist is that i wasn’t living in the moment. i wasn’t there. i was needlessly self-conscious. i was needlessly defensive. i needlessly paid too much attention to casual remarks. i wasn’t my best self.

now that i’ve had some time to myself at home, i feel like i have made some progress. i learnt driving, something i never thought i would be able to do. i went to a job interview and they offered me a job. i cleared the first level of an important exam. things have been okay, specially after moving to this home.

there’s another goal that i have set for myself. some people say it’s a massive one. i don’t want to put too much thought into what they are saying. i just want to give one good try. my fear is that i am still thinking too much and not really doing the actual work. part of me thinks i am doing a decent amount. idk.

be here.